Something got me thinking about this the last couple of days. I’ve mentioned my opinions of 12 step programs like NA and AA. I’ve mentioned that I think everything spoken in those meetings is nonsense, but also that I did do an outpatient program which included such meetings about 15 months ago. To be honest, I did like the therapy… that is, personal sessions with a therapist were useful because it was good to get a professional’s view on my addiction and my progress. But there is another reason I stopped attending meetings, and that reason is: Nipples!
Now that I’ve got your attention, I’ll try not to be facetious about it any further.
I found myself in a meeting of that outpatient program, which was held in a rehab, so it included both in and outpatients, which means I got to hang out with people in very early recovery. And of course, when I sat in those meetings, my mind wandered, as did my eyes. There was this absolutely gorgeous nineteen year old girl named Kayleigh… Blonde hair, blue eyes, magnificent figure, and breasts to die for. The first time I saw her she was wearing a white T-shirt that was a little too tight, and I swear, her nipples were calling me.
I’ll spare you the fantasies that went through my little mind. The point is, with all the bullshit that was being spoken, I totally zoned out and those meetings became all about fantasy. And of course I befriended her after meetings, and in another month or two, she was done with the inpatient program, but still attended those meetings. My sexual fantasies were literally the only reason I returned to those meetings, which I did, for about two months after my program was finished.
I won’t flatter myself and think that I had any chance with that nubile naughty nineteen year old beauty, because I probably didn’t, but again that isn’t the point. My fantasies were harmless enough, maybe, but they weren’t just about sex. A few years ago, my addiction was all about tweaking on sex, so it was really the combination of meth and sex. And sure, it takes two to tango, but it would only take one mistake, one wrong day after the wrong meeting, saying the wrong thing to the wrong girl who’s headspace was as wrong as mine, and… Bang! I’d go right back down that road with a big stupid smile on my face.
Honestly, the only time in these three years and nine months when I have felt that my recovery was in any kind of danger, was in those meetings. I have few triggers, but that particular one is probably the single most highest risk to me… That is, an impressionable young attractive girl in very early recovery who might see me as a role model, where there is a mutual attraction and mutual unconscious desire to find a way to make those same mistakes again…
That dark desire of mine, for want of a better name, is a part of me. It will always be there. I don’t make it a secret, because keeping it in mind is a way of never making those mistakes again. But that means I must stay away from situations that put me at risk.
The weird thing is, I’m about as far from a sexual predator as anyone could ever be. I’m the guy that every woman trusts… normally. And I would not want to put anybody else’s recovery at risk. But still, I felt like my recovery was at risk in those meetings, and I have to go with my gut feelings here and avoid feeling that way.
I suppose a group of atheists in recovery, in a different setting not based on bullshit, would be different, because my mind wouldn’t go there. But even then, it would probably be better not to involve myself with groups of addicts, in recovery or otherwise. And simply put, returning to NA meetings would be the most stupid thing I could ever do. I’m not saying that relapse would be inevitable, but every time I attended a meeting, the probability of it must have increased just a little. And that is why I will never do an NA meeting again. The risk is just too high.