In the first couple of years clean, I loathed those dreams. I was afraid of writing about them, as if admitting that I had the dreams was some kind of dark revelation that deep down I really still wanted to use meth. But that has changed, along with the nature of the dreams themselves.
This is the form they used to take:
- I find myself somewhere with a meth pipe and lots of meth, believing I have already used.
- I’m looking for a place to use, but somehow it just works out that I can’t. It’s the whole purpose of the dream, but the dream doesn’t allow it to happen.
There were two main drives in those dreams:
- Dealing with the feelings of guilt because I believed that I had already used, both at the start and the end of the dream, where on waking I’d worry that I might relapse.
- Trying to find a chance to use but the frustration of not being able to.
Those dreams are now rare. I had one last night, but it was also the only one so far this year, and it follows a new pattern:
- I find myself somewhere with a meth pipe and lots of meth, believing I have already used. (So far it’s the same.)
- I use. I take hit after hit, but there is no high, no rush, no euphoria. There is nothing.
- I become lucid, realizing it is only a dream. Then I either wake up or drift off and dream about something else.
The feelings of guilt are still there at the start of the dream, but I am no longer worried about using at the end. I know I won’t and don’t want to. It’s almost as if my mind allows me to use in the dream because it’s OK to deal with that now, because I know I don’t want to use for real. It’s just a random thing I used to do in the past, a dream activity like any other, just noise that doesn’t mean anything. But what my mind won’t allow is for me to feel high. I find that part amusing. Surely my brain “knows” how to feel high? Surely those drug memories are there? But for some reason, my subconscious mind refuses to let me feel it. It’s one step further than dreaming I want to use but can’t though.
Actually the lucidity thing is a problem I have in general when dreaming. Sometimes I’ll have an amazing dream, where my brain does a brilliant job of worldbuilding and I become lucid and think to myself I need to remember this as it would make a great book or short story. But I don’t remember it because my lucidity doesn’t last for long and I don’t wake all the way up. The next day, all I can remember is that there was a dream I wanted to remember, but the details are lost.
I don’t believe dreams have any meaning. They’re just noise, a collection of random experiences our minds put us through while we rest. Using dreams for someone who used to use drugs are normal and nothing to worry about. That’s my point for this post… If you’re a former addict and you dream about using drugs, don’t worry about it or impose any meaning on it. Dreams are just dreams.
Mind you, I will add this caveat: The dreams themselves mean nothing, but how you feel about using is important. It has to be. If you really want to use, you have a problem that needs to be dealt with. I’ve been very fortunate in the last (almost) seven years, because I have never once wanted to use. Before this, I used to deal with my desire to use meth by using meth. After the first two weeks clean, I have not craved in these years, not even once. So if you do want to use, I can’t advise you on what to do, because nothing I tried back then worked for me. I guess I’m lucky that way. But if you do feel like you want to use, you need to get help from a professional.