Being driven by hatred works for a while, but it isn’t sustainable

My last post was a little dark, by design. It came out like that because of my perspective while writing it – I was motivated by a colleague who remarked that I had “lived my life”. I wanted to make it crystal clear that this was not the case, and paint a bleak picture of what life on meth is really like. It wasn’t pleasant. It isn’t something I remember fondly. In fact, I associate my years of addiction with pain, hatred, bitterness, and regret. I was driven to get out of it mostly by hatred. A weak, pale reflection of myself – who ate only once every 3 or 4 days at the end, I didn’t have much to motivate me. No energy, no will to live, but plenty of rage, plenty of self hatred… There was only one person who I hated more than myself, and with nothing else left, it was initially hatred that drove me.

I even shared a similar thought on Facebook – saying that life isn’t all lollipops and rainbows. Sometimes life is negative, and sometimes responding negatively is healthy. Sometimes it’s OK to be driven by rage and hatred. (I think it’s important to state this. There are only so many sweet sick saccharine stories of recovery I can take – and by so many I mean zero. I loathe toxic positivity. I loathe it in the workplace; I loathe it in NA meetings. I hate fucking church. Save your happy clappiness for kindergarten and grow the fuck up.)

It (the hatred motivation) doesn’t last though, because it doesn’t need to. Once you reach the other side, there is so much more to life. There is also love. There is joy. There is pleasure in things that have nothing to do with drugs. It isn’t always easy… Life is still not all lollipops and rainbows, but it is better when you are facing it rather than anaesthetising yourself with drugs.

Strangely, I have found that the last few years, I am no longer able to remain angry for more than a few minutes. So last time I used some effort to “channel” the feelings I had back then, and make it as clear as I can how unpleasant life on meth was. But life after meth, is good.

2 thoughts on “Being driven by hatred works for a while, but it isn’t sustainable

  1. Love it as usual. What I will say in response to how quickly your anger abates is yes, agreed, but do you also find that you can go for 0 to 100 instantly? I am just so easily fired up nowadays. Now, granted, I am also perimenopausal so my hormones have gone somewhat batshit crazy but, I found myself like this even once the hatred you speak of had dissipated. It is like I have zero tolerance nowadays. Like I have wasted so much of my life on utter shit that I refuse to be disrespected by even one bit of it in my space sort of thing. And EVERYTHING feels like disrespect. Wasting my time, wasting my kindness, taking anything I give you for granted. I have actually just bought some flower remedies because I am bored of it. I want some goddamn zen ……

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, I have the same problem lately. I was wondering if it’s an age thing, but I get angry over the tiniest things. I don’t stay angry, but I sure do get pissed off a lot.


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