And life goes on

It’s the second day treating my depression after this recent incident, the second day taking an antidepressant; can’t say I’m feeling that much better. But at least I am managing. Yesterday was a nightmare… after going to the doctor, I changed the lock on the front door – it seems the police can’t serve Megan with a protection order barring her from entering my home (she has keys) because I don’t know her address. But I could not go for as long as 30 seconds without losing something, be it a screw, the screwdriver, the duct tape I used to try holding the outer door latch in place while I fitted the inner one, or whatever… I was not thinking clearly at all. At least that is better now.

What gets me is that they left without even a goodbye. Well, that’s one of many things that gets me. Megan left chaos in her wake. I can’t even find one matching pair of my own socks, yet there are clothes of Aishah folded on my bedroom table, more of her clothes on the bed, and more on the clothes stand in the lounge. The washing basket that’s supposed to contain dry cleaned washing has wet washing on the bottom, left there for days. There’s breakfast cereal missing, and even two minute noodles. I also can’t understand how the police can’t make a case against her for my missing cash, when she was the only other adult here.

It’s clear she only came back for the weekend because she knew I was getting paid. She went shopping with me, leaving me puzzled that she only wanted to buy toiletries, and food for the day… now I understand why. All her toiletries are of course gone, but she also put a T-shirt ready for me, hanging on the back of my chair. Bizarre behaviour is the norm for her though.

Someone asked me, “Why did you leave cash lying around?” As if I should not be able to leave cash in my wallet in my own home! Way to blame the victim, but if I can’t leave my wallet with cash on my own table inside the privacy of my own home, then the person who was in the home with me can not be trusted.

Someone says Megan is strong. No, going from one relationship to the next, always claiming to have been a victim of abuse at the previous one… that’s not strength. Besides burning this bridge, I wrote this to vent, and besides that, I wrote it to make this crystal clear… whoever she is with now is no doubt hearing the same bullshit about how she was abused before, and when it doesn’t work out (and it won’t), that person becomes the next abuser in her narrative. Mark my words, she will want to come back here, but she can’t.

Her mother also seems to believe her denial of being on drugs… Let’s make one thing clear… This was not the first time she stole from me. When she stole before, she was using… with me. That was back when I was still using meth too. The only time I have known her to steal is when she’s on drugs. And taking some money out of a wallet while leaving the rest so that it isn’t obvious unless you count the money… that’s something she does. So sure, I did not witness her stealing anything, but put two and two together, for fuck’s sake.

Edit: I have no evidence that she used drugs, but she was drinking. I’m even finding empty bottles behind the washing machine.

A couple of months ago, in one of those rare moments when Megan actually spoke to me, she said something along the lines of, “I don’t lie, right?” When I replied that she lies all the time, she responded, “No, I always tell the truth when it’s from the heart.” What does that even mean? I always tell the truth when I’m not telling lies?…Newsflash: If you lie so often that you have to define an arbitrary, moveable exclusion for when you tell the truth, then you are a liar.

Excuse the rant… Again. It’s hard to get over this while there is still stuff left from her being here spread all over the house.

On the other hand, I have now experienced first hand the frustration and hurt that one experiences when trying to help an addict. My advice to anyone who wants to help an addict, someone they care about… Don’t. Just cut them off. Don’t give them money. Don’t get attached to child who is not yours, and mostly, never give such a person the benefit of doubt. If you have a bad feeling about them, listen to that feeling. If they are acting strangely, do not think that you need evidence like a drug test to prove them to be clean. When someone is clean, there will be evidence of their sobriety, signs that you can pick up in their words and deeds. But when someone acts strangely and has strange stories to explain their behaviour, assume everything is a lie because it probably is.

Edit… Also this:

3 thoughts on “And life goes on

  1. It seems that she expects to some day come back to you and move back in again. I think she didn’t forget Aishah’s clothes and toys in your house. She did that on purpose.

    Ske knows Aishah is your Achilles heel. But don’t listen to her coming siren songs/calls. Accept that she IS a liar and can’t be trusted. She loves illegal drugs more than anything else.

    Aishah loves you and you love Aishah. But Aishah’s mother won’t give you “access” to Aishah unless you invite Aishah’s mother as well. There is no other solution. And you’ll have to accept that too.

    Everyone except Aishah’s own mother can see and understand that Aishah would be much better off if she could have a safe home and a caring (step)father. But Aishah’s mother probably loves illegal drugs more than she even loves her own daughter (and son). And remember and accept, Jerome, that Aishah’s mother doesn’t love you at all. All she wants is to take advantage of and exploit you, milk you for money. She will always need a lot of money. Illegal drugs are not cheap.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m not so sure. I don’t think she is thinking or planning anything – she’s just in the moment. Left in a hurry and packed what she could pack in a rush, including using black bags. Strangely I can’t find the bag of washing powder we bought the day before… would be weird if she even stole that.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Solipsistic people have difficulties to analyze a situation or problem. They cling to the brain’s information processing system #1 (= IPS #1 = the child’s and religious people’s way of thinking). But they can “know” what’s the best to do intuitively, because IPS #1 is largely based on intuition. .

    They are pretty good at “feeling” the right answers and splutions. And many times their intuition (cf. inner voices) leads them to a fine solution of a problem.

    My older brother is a full-blown solipsist, so I know that kind of people rather well.

    Three things about solipsists are worth mentioning: 1) They can’t be trusted; 2) They can’t distinguish fact from imagination; and 3) They are rather good intuitive thinkers..

    If you use your information processing system (IPS) #1 most of the time, you sooner or later learn how to interpret the sensory input signals. I think the woman we’re talkiing about here is fully capable of perceiving/feeling where the weakest links in her environment are to be found. And I guess that she has figured out that you’re a very weak link, because you’re so fond of Aishah. And you are also, I guess, the one who repeatedly has tried to suggest to her that now it’s time to bury the hatchet and make a restart.

    Liked by 1 person

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