It’s been a messed up year.
It started last year, December 7th when my mother died suddenly, and hasn’t really stopped. Before I could get over her death, I heard that my ex was in trouble and so I helped out, having her back here with her daughter Aishah, Josh’s half sister, since around the end of March. I love her as much as my son, and it’s been great having her back, but things are far from perfect. A case against Megan kept her going back and forth to Cape Town for court dates four or five times, all at my expense, and at one stage dragged on leaving her there for four weeks with me looking after both children; she talked me into taking out a loan (now spent) with the repayments so high I can barely afford to pay my bills, and in these months she still hasn’t found a job and helped out. But she is bored enough sitting around at home doing nothing… to go out and leave both children with me, and in fact she’s out as I write this. I don’t know where the money is supposed to come from for Aishah when she starts grade one in school next year, but it won’t be me. All this while I am under the most pressure I’ve ever been under at work. You don’t know how difficult it is to get a six year old girl up and dressed for school in the morning until you have to get her ready yourself… But I’m not complaining… I would love her to stay here for her whole childhood. If only I could get some help.
So, it’s fucked up. I still feels like I haven’t really mourned my mother. Actually Aishah makes that easier in a way… earlier tonight she was telling me how much “I miss granny and wish she was still alive”. Yet I am struggling financially more than ever before.
The one small consolation is this: In years gone by, in those weird times when all I cared about was being high on meth, all these difficulties would have been the perfect excuses to use meth. But the thought doesn’t even occur to me now. I’ve only realized it while trying to think what to write here on my sixth year clean “birthday”.
So… sorry about the doom and gloom of this post. I am really happy to have both children here with me, but just wish it wasn’t only me paying all the bills.
And it is nice to celebrate another year clean. No big deal though. It’s not something that takes effort.