Just a quick one to let my regular readers know I am still here, and still planning to write more – just haven’t had the time lately.
After the death of my mother, I’ve been struggling. It’s hard to explain, but it’s like everything is difficult. Even typing… I’m typing as fast as I always did, but there are mistakes everywhere. One or two words misspelled every sentence – with letters inexplicably coming from adjacent keys on the keyboard, random spacing errors as words either come out stuck together or with extra spaces in the middle. So everything takes longer as it all needs to be corrected. (For example, the previous sentence included “take slonger” and “corrected” misspelled.)
Yesterday I went shopping, something my mother used to do for me. That is itself a nightmare – memories of her calling me to let me know she was done, every month, a woman dressed just like her walking towards me in the shop making me feel like I’m one of the characters in the Haunting of Hill House, seeing a dead family member just strolling along. In three days, it will be three months since she died, but I am still struggling. I guess I didn’t realize how close we were, or how much I depended on her, until after she died.
Then this morning started off with yet another of those school meetings with Josh’s teachers. He’s struggling again. He’s always struggling and I suck at helping him because I never struggled, so it’s so hard to relate. And he gives me the impression that he’s done all his homework, so by the time I find out he’s failing tests it’s already too late. (I think he’s afraid to disappoint me. But then that stops him asking for help when he should, and he brings me tests to sign on a Monday morning when I’m walking out the door.) He’s not a stupid child, he’s bright, but just does not seem to be able to focus on his school work. Last year he would come home and ask me for help. Over and over again, I realized he had not one iota of understanding of what he’d been taught that very day. I think I retaught him his entire mathematics syllabus. And sure – I can do that. I can do that for Maths and English, maybe Science too, right up to high school level, but I shouldn’t have to. I’m tired when I get home from work, and it’s not like I’m growing younger. Also I can’t help him with Afrikaans. I did OK in school, but have spent the last 30 years never speaking or reading it. Also I hate Afrikaans… no rational reason why. I wish they could teach something useful like a native African language rather than dead as a doornail kitchen Dutch though.
I could use some help. I wish I could win the Lotto, but I never buy tickets because I don’t like wasting my money… But life goes on… I will adjust and do better, but so far this year it’s not happening.