Sometimes life gets hard

Just a quick one to let my regular readers know I am still here, and still planning to write more – just haven’t had the time lately.

After the death of my mother, I’ve been struggling. It’s hard to explain, but it’s like everything is difficult. Even typing… I’m typing as fast as I always did, but there are mistakes everywhere. One or two words misspelled every sentence – with letters inexplicably coming from adjacent keys on the keyboard, random spacing errors as words either come out stuck together or with extra spaces in the middle. So everything takes longer as it all needs to be corrected. (For example, the previous sentence included “take slonger” and “corrected” misspelled.)

At work, I had two deliverables for the end of the month, changes to a web application and to the underlying infrastructure and a javascript save to PDF feature, and a month should have been enough time, but somehow, the first two weeks I got nothing done. Then the rest of the month was a scramble just to make it, with the last two days a panic when I realized my PDF solution didn’t work in the most important browser for the client. They have to use an older browser for reasons I won’t get into here, but this javascript code does not work well with the old browser. I’m off my game and I’m not used to this. I used to arrive at work at 7AM and have an hour to write my blog before starting to work, but this year, I’ve been working for that extra hour – working and yet getting nothing done.

Yesterday I went shopping, something my mother used to do for me. That is itself a nightmare – memories of her calling me to let me know she was done, every month, a woman dressed just like her walking towards me in the shop making me feel like I’m one of the characters in the Haunting of Hill House, seeing a dead family member just strolling along. In three days, it will be three months since she died, but I am still struggling. I guess I didn’t realize how close we were, or how much I depended on her, until after she died.

Then this morning started off with yet another of those school meetings with Josh’s teachers. He’s struggling again. He’s always struggling and I suck at helping him because I never struggled, so it’s so hard to relate. And he gives me the impression that he’s done all his homework, so by the time I find out he’s failing tests it’s already too late. (I think he’s afraid to disappoint me. But then that stops him asking for help when he should, and he brings me tests to sign on a Monday morning when I’m walking out the door.) He’s not a stupid child, he’s bright, but just does not seem to be able to focus on his school work. Last year he would come home and ask me for help. Over and over again, I realized he had not one iota of understanding of what he’d been taught that very day. I think I retaught him his entire mathematics syllabus. And sure – I can do that. I can do that for Maths and English, maybe Science too, right up to high school level, but I shouldn’t have to. I’m tired when I get home from work, and it’s not like I’m growing younger. Also I can’t help him with Afrikaans. I did OK in school, but have spent the last 30 years never speaking or reading it. Also I hate Afrikaans… no rational reason why. I wish they could teach something useful like a native African language rather than dead as a doornail kitchen Dutch though.

I could use some help. I wish I could win the Lotto, but I never buy tickets because I don’t like wasting my money… But life goes on… I will adjust and do better, but so far this year it’s not happening.

2 thoughts on “Sometimes life gets hard

    1. I’m finding it hard to find time to write. I leave work a little earlier than I used to, but pick up both kids. Then they both demand attention in the evening, especially Aishah, who often wants to sit with me or otherwise spend time with me. By the time they are both in bed I’m buggered.

      Then I take them both to school in the morning, and arrive around half an hour later than usual. I used to often write in the mornings, but lately there have been many pressing issues at work.

      Today I have a post on my mind that kinda formed while driving to work, about atheism and how my disbelief started in childhood, going through several subjects I rejected as a child… confession, the trinity, Jesus dying for our sins, certain bible stories… then I want to follow that with part 2 where I rejected it all completely, but emphasize that the foundation of my belief was not exactly solid. The idea is to convey my amazement that more people don’t reject religious teachings because for me it was a natural part of growing up.


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