I’m in Limbo

Last night in my nightmares, I couldn’t breathe properly. I shifted awkwardly between asleep and awake, laying thinking of one memory in particular that haunts me – my mother on that Tuesday night before I dropped her at the hospital on Wednesday morning; my mother sitting at the dining room table after walking from her bedroom to the lounge, just a few meters being enough to leave her out of breath, sitting there panting with her head in her hands. I laid there thinking that, and then shifting back to sleep where I dreamed that I was the one struggling to breathe. Then I woke confused, uncertain if this was a dream or if I really did struggle.

I’ve started wondering if this was really a sensible time to quit cigarettes. My last smoke was quite late on Thursday night, but the craving has been quite intense since then. But it’s not just craving – I’m angry. This anger flares up in response to tiny things that should be insignificant. I don’t remember ever craving meth like this, but I am craving a cigarette. The part of me that wants it begs and pleads, insisting that all I need is one; that I can bum from my neighbour, Mervin downstairs, who normally bums from me. But no! I shut those thoughts down each time, by playing back that mental image of my mother, sitting there with her head in her hands as she struggled to breathe. I hear her voice, as she called me on her last day, a week ago yesterday, to tell me that they would try to drain the fluid from her lung using a needle. I thought I’d see her later that day. They were supposed to help her, not suddenly kill her! That’s why I’m still in shock. And I think of how she died not two hours later, but also that she might have lived much longer if she’d quit smoking sooner. I need to quit and not give in to any cravings, so that I can live longer, for my son.

So I have motivation, but it’s hurting. The more I think about it, the more it hurts.The grief and sense of loss is otherwise not as bad as it was a week ago. It’s still bad, but it’s OK. But the not smoking thing is really fucking me up. Even my sense of the passing of time is different without nicotine. I don’t know how that can be, but some annoying tasks, such as pulling off from a traffic light… seem to take much longer now. The waiting for the lights to change from red to green… seems much longer than it needs to be. I used to take a lot of smoke breaks as well, sometimes before and after doing just about every little thing. Now I have all this extra time and no clue what to do with it.

6 thoughts on “I’m in Limbo

  1. Never having smoked cigarettes, I can’t really give you anything in the way of advice, but there is not a single justification ever for smoking.
    The corporations and their political agents will be all too happy to see you smoke again, but you’ll be just another medical statistic down the line. Everybody has to fight for maintain their health in this system, with no support except their own rationality, but it can be done – and you will be the victor.
    Nothing wrong with some anger – but it should, as the cliché goes, get better.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Being angry is probably a withdrawal symptom. It will soon disappear.

    So don’t give up. Try to withstand this unpleasant symptom. Jerome!

    I think/guess the first week or so after the withdrawal is the worst one.

    But your cravings for nicotine will probably never disappear totally.

    Nevertheless I’m sure you’ve got the willpower needed to resist the temptations. Don’t forget you’re an exaddict. But don’t be skeptical of your own willpower.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s horrible. I’m craving every minute, night and day. have been tempted to see if I can go buy a loose cigarete and smoke just one.

      But that would be no good. It would reset the time I started by almost three days. So I ignore the cravings and hope it gets better soon.

      Funny, I don’t remember craving meth like this.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks. Unfortunately I have some of those symptoms anyway, caused by my grief over my mother’s death.

      Mostly I have irritability, mood swings (anger mostly besides being irritable), depression, insomnia, and a sore throat. Oddly, the tingling in hands and feet is something I will get if I smoke again. That’s normall for me – part of the nicotine rush while taking a “hit” of nicotine after abstaining for a while.

      But also, the craving isn’t half as bad as it was yesterday.

      And I had reason to be pissed off today – they called me in to work to help the support guy, even though it is a public holiday. I was there for half the day, and while there, I got locked in the bathroom – that lock has been getting stuck for weeks and finally the key broke. If anything was going to tempt me to give in to my cravings, that would be it… but that hasn’t happened.

      Mostly I am struggling to find what to do with myself in those moments when I used to smoke.

      Liked by 1 person

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