How does it feel to burn out?

It seems close.

Work is a nightmare. Today I lost my cool and called somebody an idiot. Not to his face, but still… I was helping him with something – explained it to him four times and still he didn’t understand. Each time I returned to my desk, only to read yet another asinine question on Slack. I have little patience at the best of times, but today it was thinner than usual. So without considering it, I turned to my closest colleague and said, “You know what the problem is with [Redacted]?” Pause… “He’s an idiot.” I tried to take it back, suggesting that maybe the idiot is me, but it was too late. The words were already spoken. Words I did not mean.

My mother has been on oxygen since Wednesday. I didn’t even know until today. She told me the enlarged heart is not serious, and she only has a mild infection on her left lung. They’re treating it like pneumonia. In other words they don’t know what’s wrong. And there’s something on her chest but they don’t know what it is, so she’s going for a scan at another hospital on Monday. I don’t think she sees how serious this might be.

I struggled to focus at work today. Again. I was pulled in every direction. Again. Two disasters averted today, one of which involved preventing duplicate transactions from being sent out, by updating some data the last minute before the daily run. Nobody thanked me for averting this disaster that wasn’t even my responsibility, but I was reprimanded for something that went wrong in a deployment on Monday. Pressure pressure pressure. All the time. I can’t take it much longer. Something needs to change or I need a break.

Fuck this Black Friday, especially when I only get paid in a week.

I’m worried about my mother and it’s really quite difficult to focus on anything else. Now I hear my son is being bullied at school. I used to fantasize about being bullied, so that I might be able to bloody my fists on some fool’s fetid face. But nobody ever did. Still it’s hard to relate. Josh won’t listen to me – I tell him to either fight back or tell the principal. (I did both at his age.) I can’t help him if he won’t listen, although I am proud of his ability to taunt the bullies verbally. It’s a step in the right direction.

All I want is to be happy. It isn’t happening at the moment. Tomorrow’s another day?

4 thoughts on “How does it feel to burn out?

    1. To be fair, those are just the words I chose to express that after watching so many movies with bullies as a child, I hoped that someone might bully me such that I could teach them a lesson. I was more concerned with alliteration than the bloodying of fists…

      Actually somebody did bully me once, but my reaction dashed my hopes of being picked on for the rest of my school years… I was nine years old, on the first day of primary school, which was from standard 2 to 5, or grade 4 to 7 as they call it now… Riding my bicycle home, a bigger boy, in standard 5, picked on me, knocked me off my bike. I tried to fight back, but he was too big.

      The next day, I told the headmaster, and he made all the standard 5’s line up, and walked with me as I picked out the guy in front of the whole school. It was empowering to go up to him and say, “It was this boy.” So I ended up with a reputation, one that followed me to high school, which was just across the road, from standard 6 to 10. Nobody ever picked on me again. But it was somehow disappointing.

      Liked by 2 people

  1. Happiness is always hard to achieve, Jerome..

    And now an OT thought: To know what happiness is you must also suffer (in order to be able to see the difference between happiness and suffering). So if you never suffer in Heaven, you’ll never know how happy you are by being there. Instead you soon start believing that feeling happy is the new “normality”.

    Liked by 1 person

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