As you might have noticed, Megan (my ex) and Aishah (her daughter and Josh’s half sister) are back. I don’t know for how long. I’m not sure what’s going to happen or if she will get her own place with the help of her family, but I’m not worrying about that.
It’s a little crazy. It’s not sensible financially, of course. With neither her nor my mother working, suddenly I am feeding and housing three adults and two children, instead of two adults and one child, but I’ll make it work somehow. Maybe Megan can get a job…
The most important thing right now is, for the first time in three years I can honestly say I am happy. Josh has sensed my unhappiness in the time up to now, and regularly asks, “Are you happy?”. Each time I have lied. I didn’t want to burden him, leave him wondering, as I have, why I am not happy when I have every reason to be. I mean, my life is back on track, I have my son back, and I should be happy. But I haven’t been.
As much as I love my son, he is a difficult child, with mood swings that my mother can’t help me to deal with. He’s fine when I’m home, but out of control often otherwise. Somehow having his sister around makes everything easier. She is a delight, a joy to be around, she appreciates everything, and is always happy. I do feel guilty for being unhappy before, which is also why I tried to hide it, or at least deny it to Josh. I didn’t want him to blame himself.
Anyway, of course I have gone against everybody’s advice taking them back… again. But I don’t care. Being happy makes everything easier… it spreads to everything I touch and everything I do. Even my work – tasks that might have seemed too challenging before don’t worry me now. When I’m happy, I’m more confident, and when I’m more confident, I’m positive about everything.
I hope this lasts.