I’m happy

As you might have noticed, Megan (my ex) and Aishah (her daughter and Josh’s half sister) are back. I don’t know for how long. I’m not sure what’s going to happen or if she will get her own place with the help of her family, but I’m not worrying about that.

It’s a little crazy. It’s not sensible financially, of course. With neither her nor my mother working, suddenly I am feeding and housing three adults and two children, instead of two adults and one child, but I’ll make it work somehow. Maybe Megan can get a job…

The most important thing right now is, for the first time in three years I can honestly say I am happy. Josh has sensed my unhappiness in the time up to now, and regularly asks, “Are you happy?”. Each time I have lied. I didn’t want to burden him, leave him wondering, as I have, why I am not happy when I have every reason to be. I mean, my life is back on track, I have my son back, and I should be happy. But I haven’t been.

As much as I love my son, he is a difficult child, with mood swings that my mother can’t help me to deal with. He’s fine when I’m home, but out of control often otherwise. Somehow having his sister around makes everything easier. She is a delight, a joy to be around, she appreciates everything, and is always happy. I do feel guilty for being unhappy before, which is also why I tried to hide it, or at least deny it to Josh. I didn’t want him to blame himself.

Anyway, of course I have gone against everybody’s advice taking them back… again. But I don’t care. Being happy makes everything easier… it spreads to everything I touch and everything I do. Even my work – tasks that might have seemed too challenging before don’t worry me now. When I’m happy, I’m more confident, and when I’m more confident, I’m positive about everything.

I hope this lasts.

14 thoughts on “I’m happy

  1. Congratulations, Jerome!

    But it also sounds like you’re in love again. And then it’s difficult to make good decisions. Internal happiness differs from external happiness. So be careful.

    Why not have a look at this blog article: https://www.spring.org.uk/2018/06/weirdest-sign-divorce.php .

    And promise me you’ll not shoot the messenger coming to you with bad news. I still want to be your friend. Remember that the duration of happiness always tends to be very short.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well, I’m not in love with my ex, but I am acting emotionally. It’s more about my devotion for her daughter.

      This “giddy” happiness is what carried me for the first two years of sobriety, and also what gave me the initial kick to stop using meth.

      It would be better if I could find some sort of balance… maybe if Megan could get a place close by then I could have the best of both worlds. But for now, it’s all good.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t know. I see your point, but at the same time I think that emotions are often underrated. I’ve always been cynical of the view that it’s wrong to be too emotional.

      We are not robots after all. Our emotions are important and emotional well being is something that causes all sorts of problems if it is inadequate.

      I think what I need is balance and right now I am probably erring too much to the side of letting my emotions control my behaviour. I need to make intelligent, informed decisions that also are good for my and my family’s well being. Hopefully this is simply an adjustment I need to make – get used to having them back and get back to a more sensible perspective where I consider my emotions but from a detached perspective and make informed decisions. I think my current state of mind is only temporary, although I’d like it to last a little longer…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Yes, we need a mix of scientific (= logical) and emotional (i.e. often kind of illogical/prelogical religious and/or woo bullshit thinking) to lead a good life.

    I think you need this “break” in your life. And I hope something good will come out of it.

    Actually it seems it’s good for Josh too. I really liked the photos you posted about a week ago showing Josh and Aishah playing with each other and seemingly having a lot of fun.

    I’m sure also Daddy Bear Jerome noticed what I saw. Probably that’s why you posted the photos.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, I am. Not giddy with happiness, but more a normal kind of happy…

      There have been some issues with sibling rivalry, mostly around them both fighting for my affection and then being jealous of each other. But it is mostly good.

      Liked by 1 person

        1. Oh, I am. It will break my heart if ever they leave now.

          Aishah is very attached to me again as well. She wants to go sleep next to me and Josh, not mommy. (Sleeping arrangements are awkward, but I don’t mind. Also I have pain in my lower back, and I’m not sure if the cause is my bed, or the chair at work. Years ago my brother convinced me to buy a bed with a pollow top because he said it’s better, but I can’t turn the mattress because the top is permanently attached to it, so it slopes to the one side. Now I’ve been lying in the middle.)

          And now she sometimes calls me Daddy Bear too, which makes Josh angry. But sibling rivalry aside, things are mostly great.

          Liked by 1 person

  3. Talking of mattresses. Have a look at: https://www.tempurpedic.com/

    I bought my mattress in the 1980’s. And it’s still going strong.

    The absolutely best mattress I’ve ever slept on. I think that if you need mattresses in Heaven, this is the one God have chosen. 🙂

    But it’s very expensive. So maybe you need to pray to God for some financial help.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi again!

    Just a thought.

    Maybe sibling rivalry can be staved off if you become a song writer, kind of?

    Write one Daddy Bear song for Aishah, and one for Josh.

    For example: Daddy Bear likes Aishah, finds her nice and very sweet,…

    And: Daddy Bear’s proud of Josh, finds him brave and very clever,…

    Use your verbal talents, Jerome, to make both Aishah and Josh proud of themselves. And of Daddy Bear.

    You are no doubt fond of children. They are part of you happiness.

    And children seem to be fond of you.

    Not all adults have the attachment capacity that is needed to achieve this goal.

    But you have, Jerome!

    Then try to think of alternative ways to strengthen this kind of win/win relationship where you feel good by being loved by these two children. And Aishah and Josh feel good by having the opportunity to associate with, and being loved by , a living/real Daddy Bear.

    Look at the photos you have published lately, Jerome. I hope you can see the same as I do. you ARE a Daddy Bear. Spreading joy and happiness to Aishah and Josh.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve been trying something like that, minus the song part, with mixed success.

      They can both play Diablo 3 on the Xbox, though Josh plays it properly and Aishah gets it mostly right. She has to play Josh’s character and we turned the difficulty down. Same account as me and I built the character for him, so this is a paragon level 784 demon hunter with awesome skills. Turn the difficulty down and Aishah has a ball killing demons and stuff – she gets very excited. She insists on playing all the bounties for a town, and that takes a while. Have to help her with the map a little because a five year old’s understanding of an abstract overlaying map is not as great as a ten year old. (Josh’s is perfect though, and I’d say he has been able to understand maps in games since he was 8.) Aishah seems way advanced for her age though, in my mind. I also let her play my hardcore character a bit, but that was almost enough to give me a heart attack… that chatracter can only die once…

      So now if we don’t give her a turn, all hell breaks loose. hell hath no fury like a five year old screaming her fucking head off.

      But the rivalry comes up at the strangest times… like when brushing teeth. Last weekend Megan was away, so I had them both, which meant I had to help her brush her teeth, even though it is sort of a “tradition” for Josh and I to brush teeth together. Aishah wants to stand in the middle, and Josh won’t let her, which causes crying and screaming.

      So it’s mostly little things like that, sibling rivalry and jealousy between them – sometimes when you don’t expect it. But it is getting better.

      Like

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