How to smoke meth with Satan (a search string) and other unrelated stuff

Please excuse my hopping around from subject to subject. I feel almost bad about it… and at the end of last week I realized that most of the blogs I follow seem to have a clear pattern with regard to subject matter. On here, I write about my recovery (a word I loathe because I don’t consider myself in recovery – I’m a former addict, fuckers), skepticism, atheism, maybe a bit of humanism, feminism (recently), a series or movie review occasionally, satire (once so far), and whatever else is on my mind at the time. There are plenty of things I never get around to writing because I just don’t have the time any more. So… apologies for that. It’s just the way I am… probably one of the laziest people you could ever meet, but with a mind that just won’t shut up. I have all these ideas flying around my head, begging to be written down. And this is where I write them.

Moving on, somebody reached this blog via this bizarre search string…

how to smoke meth with Satan

Seriously. Somebody typed that into Google and then got here. The mind boggles.

First of all, Satan isn’t real. Belief in Satan is even dodgier than belief in god, and isn’t based so much on the Bible, but rather on the Middle Ages demonizing of pagan gods and on modern entertainment culture.

Having written that, I’d love to write a wikiHow style article on how to use meth with Satan, complete with pictures of cheerful teenagers and a red skinned, horned guy passing a meth pipe around, but I just don’t have the time. Anyway…

I can think of three ways you can achieve your goal, but since it will be really hard to find somebody already named Satan, and naming your male child Satan and waiting until he can grow up to use meth with you will take far too long, here are the three steps that can work for you:

  1. Find a meth addict who is willing to legally change his name to Satan.
  2. Have him legally change his name.
  3. Use meth with him.

Yet another search string, a less crazy one to get here, was this:

obsessed with my phone while using meth

It’s normal. And thanks to this reasonable search, I can’t tag this post with “stupid search strings” as I usually would. This one makes sense.

When you first use meth, you probably jump from one task to another to another, starting many but completing none. But when you get more accustomed to the meth high and build up tolerance, you tend to obsess or tweak on one thing. You may do so relentlessly and compulsively, and then kick yourself after you eventually snap out of it. Be glad you picked your phone as the object to tweak on.

My girlfriend used to tell me not to “zone on the phone”. We never used the word “tweak” for this, and it was a word related to meth that I only learned online after I stopped using meth. I think it’s an American thing. I don’t think it’s even a great word in this context, and “zone” works better… as in being “in the zone” because meth puts you into a zone, literally. The twilight zone. But I use that word because most people seem to get the drift.

Ironically, despite your self consciousness and paranoia, people won’t notice that you are spending too much time on the phone. They will notice your self consciousness and paranoia. It’s become normal to zone on the phone, but what isn’t normal is seeing somebody who constantly looks up from the screen, peering around nervously and moving around so much because he or she is obviously high.

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