On meth, your problems seem impassable and you never move forward.

As I took my daily bath this morning, I lay thinking about my life – how it has changed and how different it is now to five years ago when I was on meth. It struck me that my mindset back then was not uncommon, and I have observed that others commenting have had similar issues.

The main difference between then and now, besides of course that I’m no longer high on meth all the time (or ever), is that I have moved on with my life. The things I think about now are quite different to the things I thought of then. I’m pissed off, for example, because I get the impression that my son’s school teachers don’t actually do much teaching. (For example, an English speaking child shouldn’t be given Afrikaans spelling words to learn when he has no idea how to pronounce them or what they mean. Like, maybe explain them to the children first. Is it unfashionable for teachers nowadays to fucking teach?) Back then, my mind was preoccupied with irrelevant nonsense rather than getting on with my life. On meth, I was stationary, moving neither forward nor backward… making no progress emotionally and paying for it by being penalized by others who didn’t allow me to see my son. (And so on and so forth.)

On meth, I was consumed by, for example and among other things, my obsession with my failed relationship with my ex. I call it my, “Oh my, boo-hoo” phase, ironically after a lyric from a Sisters of Mercy song I loved. (Ironically because I think the guy who sang it has been in that phase since the eighties.)

Even though the relationship was over for years, I moped around wondering whyWhy doesn’t she love me? Why did she cheat on me. Why can’t I get over it and trust her? Why why why? Oh my and a boo-hoo

The same thing happened with a job I lost in 2011. Even though I fucked it up, for months later I continued writing about it on my old blog. (Thank goodness I took that down and you can’t see it any more.) The company was called LaserCom, but I wrote about “the company with a name that sounds like LoserCom”… blaming the company director and others as if they had some vendetta against me and I lost the job because of that… As if the guy was really doing anything other than, you know… trying to run his company. Of course there were people who took my side, because I always could get people to see my point of view, even when I was out of my mind on meth and my point of view was flat out wrong.

On meth you get stuck. It might look like anger, or bitterness, or depression from the outside, but that’s not what it is. Instead, it’s more like tweaking on a grand scale – focusing on that one thing and being unable to move forward. In fact, that’s exactly what it is..

I’ve seen comments from others who have exactly the same problem, and as it was with me, they don’t know it. You can’t know it. As long as you continue to use, you simply don’t move forward. You might be functional, but only barely and you’re certainly not normal. It takes years of sobriety, or at least it took years for me, to see this in hindsight. I couldn’t back then, and I doubt anyone else can, which is why I’m writing this. Maybe if someone else points it out, you can see yourself as you truly are?

One thought on “On meth, your problems seem impassable and you never move forward.

  1. This post really resonates with me. I am living through an experience that is incredibly similar to the things you describe, in particular an inability to let go of a failed relationship. The only thing that is flat different for me is that I feel I am aware of it, and have been for a while. When I lost my job, I knew there was no one to blame but myself. The only thing that surprised me was how long it took them to let me go.

    I am aware of the extent of my own responsibility in failing to control my addiction, and yet I continue to use. I suppose my delusion is a little different, its not that I believe I can function and move ahead as an active user, but rather that I will fail to do so even if I manage a sober life. What you described as being “stuck” has always been my problem, even in the years before I discovered meth. It makes it hard for me to believe that I could thrive even if I made the effort to quit.

    Thank you for your posts, I find them very informative, entertaining, and most of all helpful. I love the insight you have.

    Liked by 2 people

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