At the start of this month, I decided that my carton of cigarettes purchased with the monthly shopping would be my last. But as I’ve edged towards that target, the doubts have crept in and loomed large. Now I’m almost there – on my last packet of cigarettes. I hope I can do this.
You would think that someone who quit meth could also quit other addictions? But up until now, my excuse has gone something like this… Cigarettes are more than just an addiction; they are a significant portion of my lifestyle. I get up in the morning and have a smoke, then I bath, eat breakfast and have another. Then off to work, get out of my car, and it’s time for cigarette number three. Then several times I day I have smoke breaks. In all those times, it’s not just about the smoking. It’s about stopping and thinking about my work, or quiet reflection on life, or something else. Always something.
I started smoking when I was 19. Now I’m 46, whereas I started smoking meth in my mid thirties and quit in my early forties. But when I think about it, the two addictions are not that different. I used to start the day with a hit of meth, and end it the same way. When not at work, I used all the time. And it wasn’t always about the meth. It was about the state of mind it left me in, and about doing stuff in that state of mind. (Tweaking.) On meth, I was under the influence every day, all the time. Cigarettes are similar. I’m never far from my next hit of nicotine, and I’m never really free from it.
Besides all the other reasons I quit meth, I found I’d reached the point where it just wasn’t fun any more. I continued to use it out of habit. But the high wasn’t good. Instead, I found myself trapped in my own head, listening to voices that weren’t real, detached from the world and really not liking being detached. I wanted and needed to be a part of the world again. When I quit meth, it was time. And now, I find myself smoking cigarettes but not enjoying them any more. It’s just something I do, a stinking habit that will be the death of me if I allow it. There is no pleasure in smoking any more. So once again, it is time.
I dread it though…the process of quitting and then craving. I don’t crave meth any more, and haven’t for a long time. I wish there was a faster way to get to this point, of it being a vague memory with no interest in continuing. But there isn’t a fast way… I know that this comes with time after simply quitting the habit. And cold turkey is the only way to go, for me. No cutting down, no alternatives, and absolutely no fucking vaping. I’m not interested in quitting cigarettes and then smoking something else. This is it! But I still don’t know if I can do it. I hope I can…