A few years ago I naively expected sobriety to be nothing but a good, normal life without problems. I was wrong. Sometimes life sucks no matter what.
One good thing happened this year: I bought the apartment I’d been renting since 2010. However, I didn’t take the levy into account and am slightly in arrears there. But besides that…
- I have a bad credit listing because of a credit card from years ago. To prevent legal action, I have to pay 10%, which is over R6000 a month, an impossibility considering my other expenses. I did make arrangements to pay 5% for three months though.
- There have been issues at work.
- I’ve had endless problems with my car. It cost me a fortune, and although I got most of it fixed, I now have a battery that goes flat if I leave it connected when the car is not running (so I’m disconnecting it every day) and no handbrake. The handbrake mechanism on my car consists of the handle and brackets in one piece… At least it used to be one piece. Mine has broken off at the base.
- Issues with my son at school… His teacher is in her first year, and I’m convinced she just isn’t very good at her job. He frequently comes home not understanding a homework task, and then comes back days later still not understanding it, even after getting her to explain it again.
- The teacher has been pushing for me to send hi m to OT (occupational therapy), but that isn’t so simple. I can’t afford it and she doesn’t want to understand that. And even if it were free, that would create issues with the lift service that takes him to and from school. The guy just leaves him there if he’s late.
- There have been issues between my mother and my son. Firstly I resent her being there. Secondly she cannot control him. Thirdly she is rude, complains and is annoying all the time. Nothing but shouting, moaning and groaning, and he answers back. The other day he got destructive and turned one her many potted plants (in my small apartment) over. While his behaviour might seem unacceptable, I don’t blame him. An adult that argues with him at his level, and is unpleasant the rest of the time, is not doing anybody any good.
- My mother’s health has been problematic. She’s going to two different hospitals quite regularly now, and somehow it is my responsibility alone to get her there. It’s a bit much. I do my best though.
I’ve probably left some stuff out. The point is, everything is a bit of a mess at the moment. A mess that is difficult to fix. Most of the time I’m at work, and I’m under pressure and thus can’t focus on the personal matters (or even the car trouble right now). At least the car is running. It wasn’t for a few months. Whether some of that work pressure (preventing me from attending to personal stuff) is unreasonable or is a result of my own procrastination with solving the personal issues, is something I am uncertain of. So I don’t blame work.
None of my problems are impossible to solve. And when I think about them, they’re not really that bad. But still, having so many problems prevents me from being comfortable. When things are uncertain, I can’t relax. Even my sleep is interrupted by unpleasant dreams.
Up until about a year ago, my catch all phrase was, “At least I’m not on meth any more”. It was my excuse for not losing other bad habits, like smoking cigarettes or eating too much, and a justification to say that at least my problems now are normal and that I am living a normal life. But that line is wearing a little thin… I no longer identify as an addict, and as a former addict, the junkie problems I used to have are a distant memory.
I’d like to write off this year and have a fresh start, if only that were possible…