If someone were to ask me if I miss using meth…

I read a RollingStone interview with Iggy Pop, and one of the questions he was asked was whether or not he missed any of the drugs that he used in the past. Here’s his answer:

Oh, God, no. No no no no no. I’ve had a wonderful relationship with my body late in life. Even the thought of smoking weed gives me the creeps. Going back, I had a binge on MDMA in the 1970s. And at a festival called Goose Lake in Michigan, I was snorting something they said was coke but I learned later was ketamine. I couldn’t remember who I was for about 12 hours. I remember smoking crack before it was called crack. It was frightening.

Wow. That’s fascinating. Clearly he used way more drugs than I did – I just used the one. And his answer is wise as well as candid. It got me thinking though – what would I say if someone asked me if I missed my drug?

You’re probably not expecting my answer, and honestly this is a question I dreaded for years, but nobody has ever asked me. For me, the answer is… Hell yes, I loved my drug!

I really did. For a long time, I lived for that high. When I took a hit, it was like instant Heaven. Pleasure without any strings, heck… pleasure without doing anything other than breathing in. That’s what’s so seductive about the drug. You short-circuit the pleasure/reward centre of the brain, and get more than any naturally induced reward without any of the work. And that hit of pleasure is amazing. It’s probably the best feeling I experienced in my life.

If it wasn’t for that not-so-little issue of addiction, I’d advise everybody to try meth. But the thing is, I don’t believe in all the bullshit I was told in rehab about a predisposition for addiction and other factors that cause it. What I believe, is that the hit of pleasure you get from meth is so exquisite, that if you do it just a few times, you will most probably become addicted. I believe that the risk of addiction is so great, it isn’t worth trying. I also believe that as great as using it was for a while, I cannot use it again. Not even once.

So that’s it. I do miss it. Not all the time, and it isn’t something I think about. In fact I only thought about it because I read that question. For a long time I was uncomfortable with revealing this dark little secret of mine; not anymore. It’s OK that I miss using it. Maybe I’ll always miss using it. That doesn’t change the fact that I made the choice never to do so again.

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About Jerome

I am a senior C# developer in Johannesburg, South Africa. I am also a recovering addict, who spent nearly eight years using methamphetamine. I write on my recovery blog about my lessons learned and sometimes give advice to others who have made similar mistakes, often from my viewpoint as an atheist, and I also write some C# programming articles on my programming blog.
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2 Responses to If someone were to ask me if I miss using meth…

  1. Always appreciate hearing someone in recovery who is honest. Truth be told, when I hear former/recovering addicts/alcoholics who insist they don’t miss their drug of choice even a little once in a while, I don’t really believe them. We wouldn’t have gotten hooked on something in the first place if it hadn’t given some kind of pleasure after all. I know I miss my drug of choice at times (opiates) because it made dealing with stress one hell of a lot easier; just mellowed me out enough that horrible/painful/traumatic things were bearable. And this last year has really tested my resolve in that respect. I’d have loved a bit of relief to deal with all the issues.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Jerome says:

      Some common recovery jargon also gets to me… One that I especially hate is when they say, “Even my worst day clean is better that my best day using”. Now that’s a load of rubbish… It’s no good rewriting our history and fooling ourselves… I had some of the best times of my life while using, and it doesn’t help me to pretend it wasn’t so. The point is that those times didn’t last, and overall, the consequences of using meth, and the cons, made being clean the only option overall.

      Liked by 2 people

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