A using dream that turned lucid for the first time

One thing that used to bother the hell out of me in recovery was the dreaded using dreams… Although I never dreamed I was using meth, I’d dream that I had already used, and they’d always follow a certain pattern. Something like the following:

  1. I find myself in some random place, and am aware that I have been using meth again for some time. (It’s unclear how long. It could be months, weeks… even days. I don’t know.)
  2. I’m confused. When did this happen? Wasn’t I clean for some time? I can’t remember.
  3. I have loads of drugs on me and I’m going to get caught. What to do?
  4. I wake up feeling guilty and ashamed, asking myself why my recovery wasn’t top priority in the dream. What does this mean? Do I subconsciously want to use, deep down? Am I doomed to fail and repeat my mistakes forever? And the most serious question of all: When I thought I had already used, didn’t I want to continue using?

Last night’s dream was refreshingly different. It went like this:

  1. I find myself in some random place, and am aware that I have been using meth again for some time. (It’s unclear how long. It could be months, weeks… even days. I don’t know.)
  2. I’m confused… Hang on, I don’t remember using. I’m three years clean. This isn’t real.
  3. This is a dream! A lucid dream even.
  4. Fuck this! I can fly… And so on.
  5. And off I went to do random lucid dream shit for a short while. I can’t hang on to lucidity in dreams and I have them rarely. So I drifted back into a normal sleep, forgetting all about meth.

This may not seem like a big deal, but to me it is huge. There was no interest to continue using, no feeling of guilt that maybe I want to use, because I do not. There was only the realization that I was dreaming, and the excitement of being able to control the lucid dream, even if only for a short while.

I have a feeling that my nights of using dreams are over. But I do wish I could have more lucid dreams, because lucid dreams are cool.

Note: I don’t know why I’m adding this, but the “I can fly” is an embellishment… I lose the lucidity in dreams almost immediately, although I wish it were otherwise. I’ve never actually flown in a lucid dream, and in this case, I drifted off almost right after the relief of realizing that it wasn’t real. Maybe lucid dreaming is something I should work on?

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About Jerome

I am a senior C# developer in Johannesburg, South Africa. I am also a recovering addict, who spent nearly eight years using methamphetamine. I write on my recovery blog about my lessons learned and sometimes give advice to others who have made similar mistakes, often from my viewpoint as an atheist, and I also write some C# programming articles on my programming blog.
This entry was posted in Addiction, Methamphetamine, Recovery and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to A using dream that turned lucid for the first time

  1. bbnewsab says:

    Why not, Jerome? Take a look at http://dreamstudies.org/about/ . Ryan Hurd knows a lot about lucid dreams.

    Like

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