The time I tried to commit suicide, and failed rather hopelessly

I know… suicide and depression is a serious subject, especially after my last post about somebody who (probably) took his own life, but I need to get something out there that’s a little less serious. I’ve shared this before, but on my old blog that’s no longer visible – not here.

It was around 2005 or early 2006, and I was early into my time as a meth addict. I was depressed, due to yet another failed romantic relationship… it was the second or third consecutive one, involving a girl far too young for me, and it hadn’t worked out. Aside… I don’t know why I was going out with teenage girls anyway, as a thirty-something. It wasn’t normal, but I really thought I was in love, and I was truly devastated.

So I decided to take my own life. Being a coward and being unable to think of a suitable method of self-annihilation, I decided that death by overdose was the best way to go. At the time, I’d only ever bought about a quarter gram of meth each time, which then lasted about three days. So I decided two grams should do the trick.

The plan was to take hit after hit of meth, using more than I ever had before until the inevitable (or so I thought) fatal overdose. So I got ready to die… With tears streaming down my stupid face, I managed to throw an enormous amount of meth into my lolly. With trepidation, I put it to my lips, lit the lighter, and proceeded to take the longest hit I had ever taken…

Then I removed the lolly from my lips, held my breath for a second, and exhaled more smoke than I had ever seen. And I sat there, with the most retarded smile ever to cross my face, and realized to my unexpected delight, that I was happy. Fucking beaming from ear to ear. And I said to myself, “Well, fuck it. Suicide postponed due to happiness.”

If you’re going to try to commit suicide, meth overdose is absolutely not the way to go. I know this should be serious, but I found it hilarious at the time. And maybe that was the day I stepped over that line from meth abuse to addiction… I don’t know. But at the time, it worked for me. It took the depression away. And led to a relationship that made me happy for a few years to come. To be sure, it led to worse things further down that road, but also better things. I wouldn’t have my wonderful son that I have now. I wouldn’t have been able to recover if I had never been an addict. I wouldn’t have gotten up if I had never fallen.


About Jerome

I am a senior C# developer in Johannesburg, South Africa. I am also a recovering addict, who spent nearly eight years using methamphetamine. I write on my recovery blog about my lessons learned and sometimes give advice to others who have made similar mistakes, often from my viewpoint as an atheist, and I also write some C# programming articles on my programming blog.
This entry was posted in Addiction, Methamphetamine, Relationships. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to The time I tried to commit suicide, and failed rather hopelessly

  1. bbnewsab says:

    A very moving and emotional post.

    I really hope the good things weigh up the bad ones in your life, Jerome.

    Always think of your son, if you’re feeling a bit down. He’s worth living for.


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