As time marches slowly towards my three years clean in September, I spend hours of every night soaked in insomniac reflection. Some of it good, and some… not so good.

There are things that I miss; a life I could have had if only I’d cleaned up that much sooner. It’s painful reliving those memories, painful that they are vivid enough to feel like I can go back in time, but cannot change anything. It’s like I’m Ebenezer Scrooge, visited only by the Ghost of Christmas Past.

There are so many things I want to write about, too many. This is not the post about reflection that I want to write, because there is too much for me even to know where to start. So until I get it together enough in my head, this is the post about the post that I have not written.

It’s a reminder, in a way, of the problems I had in the past. There were so many, I knew they needed fixing, but was so overwhelmed I did not know where or how to start, so I did nothing. It’s the story of my life actually, in that it has happened at work too. When there is too much wrong to make right, I get lost trying to find where to start, and so I do nothing. I drift along aimlessly and hopelessly as everything gets worse.

Things could have been so different. I was with a girl who I thought was the love of my life. And I regret that things didn’t work out that way. I miss the way things were. Not the drugs or the crazy life, but I miss having the little cottage that we lived in. I miss the year 2007 when Megan was pregnant with Josh, miss our two cats and our dog, and the happy life I thought we had and would continue to have. I miss getting home from work and the two of us taking our dog for a walk every evening, down by the field and around the lake. Two years later it would all be gone, and I regret not fixing it while I could. (If I could. Could I?) I miss the life we should have had. Maybe it wasn’t real.

One thought on “Reflection

  1. Don’t think of your past too much during your waking days or nights, Jerome. Yesterday is gone forever.

    You should therefore concentrate on today and tomorrow. That’s a much better life strategy. At least on the whole.

    Liked by 1 person

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