Feeling dumb. I am only knowledgeable enough to know how ignorant I am.

Again, I have no real time to write, but will spend a few minutes to write something quickly. (Though I’m getting tired of these easy posts that can be banged out in five minutes apiece. I hope whoever is reading them isn’t tiring of them too.)

It has struck me today that not only do I not have enough time to write, but I also can’t seem to find the time to read. What I tend to do is, whenever I find something interesting I want to read, whether it be an online article or a starting point to read up on a subject that I find interesting and would like to learn about, I bookmark it for later.

My list of bookmarks, disorganised as it is into two folders called “To Blog” and “To Read”, into which I add these links whenever I find them… now goes right off my screen. Actually I only added the “To read” folder last week because the other one has 85 unread links by now. Bear in mind that all those links are about things that I’m interested in, but know nothing. I only started the list recently, and it’s already daunting.

The older I get, the more I learn. And the more I learn, the more I know that I know very little. Back when I used to use drugs (and people occasionally bizarrely complimented me on my intelligence), I’d remark that I was only clever enough to know how stupid I was. These days it seems, I only know enough to get a glimpse of how much there is that I don’t know. And that’s a lot. I wish I had more time to learn all these things that I want to learn.

The latest interest is that a friend pointed out a link between Darwinism and socialism, and gave me some pointers on where to start reading. Socialism is one of those things that I’d like to know about, but know nothing. Also a cousin recently suggested that I get into philosophy. I know precious little about that too, but from the few excerpts that I’ve read, I really would like to read the works of Nietzsche, mainly because his views that I have read make much sense and resonate with me. My tentative opinion is that he was an insightful genius way ahead of his time, who predicted the secular society slowly being adopted by much of the world today. I have a lot of reading to do… but when?

Sometimes I do feel like a bit of an imposter… But is that the imposter syndrome, or am I really just realizing how clever I am not. Anyway, if you are like me; if you doubt yourself and your abilities/intelligence even when you’re doing well, you’re not alone…

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About Jerome

I am a senior C# developer in Johannesburg, South Africa. I am also a recovering addict, who spent nearly eight years using methamphetamine. I write on my recovery blog about my lessons learned and sometimes give advice to others who have made similar mistakes, often from my viewpoint as an atheist, and I also write some C# programming articles on my programming blog.
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2 Responses to Feeling dumb. I am only knowledgeable enough to know how ignorant I am.

  1. Oie says:

    That’s usually where people direct me, also. I’m not tiring of your writing. I apologize for being a stranger, but I’ve (abnormally to most on my reader) followed many of your post all the through. I had the same “To Read” bookmarked folder, that I accidentally deleted a few month ago. It was a hoarded collection that I am now glad to be absolved of. Don’t bare the guilt, I’ve discovered with being loudly honest about not appreciating reading that much, that a lot of other people don’t either.

    I have 3 suggestions:

    • Find a good companion who is a guru for most things (or multiple companions on specific things) and ask them to give you a summary and examples of certain philosophies.
    • Try a million books on audible, and return them—without guilt—if the first 15 minutes to an hour are hard to get through (sometimes it can unfortunately be due to the reader’s annoying antics), just to get in the groove of feeling that a book is behind you.
    • Ditch the bookmarks, and transfer them to an Amazon wishlist called “Berks” so that you have a more tangible goal in a book form.

    I find philosophy hard to read, and ultimately hard to grasp until I’ve been presented with many examples. I love it, but it definitely won’t burgeon if you aren’t in the groove of overlooking some words due to their meaninglessness from the evolution of linguistics.

    Again, sorry I’m a stranger. I’m not nearly as talented of a writer from my own experience, but I aspire to match your confident tone in writing in the near future. Keep up the consistency in the quick notes, I’ll be reading. Is that creepy? I’m creepy.

    -Danger

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jerome says:

      Nothing wrong with being creepy…

      Thanks for the praise and the advice too. The bookmarks have turned into some weird burden of guilt, although they were started with good intentions, and I have been thinking that maybe they’re not the right way to go. Also, they are a mess… not sorted by priority or subject or anything really, and some are articles, some are blogs, some are just little things I found interesting at the time but don’t remember why. So they’re a mess.

      Like

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