As I drove home from some monthly shopping this morning, a thought occurred to me, one important enough to postpone my next post and write this one instead.
It’s a pleasant day today, and I started it this sunny Saturday morning by doing some monthly shopping. It’s great outside and as I walk I can feel the pleasant sun through my Levis and my cotton shirt, as well as on my face. As I drove around I looked at all the people scurrying about, doing whatever it is that they do on Saturday mornings. The world is a beautiful place, and these suburbs around Johannesburg are not too shabby either. The roads are clean, with trees planted at regular intervals on the sidewalks, and the people are warm as well as friendly. It’s a beautiful day and I feel good.
But a couple of years ago, I wouldn’t have noticed any of that. A couple of years ago, I wouldn’t have driven directly home. Instead I would’ve parked my car somewhere along the way, called my dealer, and waited for him to bring me a few grams of crystal meth. I wouldn’t have cared about the pleasant day, or seen the people scurrying about their business, or felt the warm sun on my legs through my Levis. All that would’ve mattered as I rushed to get the shopping done, and as I waited there with my boot-load of shopping bags (with my meat and groceries getting a little too warm for a little too long), is the fact that I needed more meth.
Then I’d eventually get home, no longer in the morning because the dealer might take an hour or two; I’d get my groceries into the house, and before even unpacking them, have several hits of crystal meth. The edginess brought on by the meth high would further remove me from even noticing the beautiful day. And that, the using of drugs every day, would be normal for me.
So if you have a drug habit as I did, what you need to know is that it is not normal at all. It is very far from normal indeed. It only seems that way because after years of using, you forget what normal is.
I still have using dreams occasionally, and the most disturbing thing about them is that in the dream, I am back in that state of mind, where having drugs and using them every day is perfectly normal. It’s a grim reminder for me of where and who I used to be, a reminder that scares the living shit out of me when I wake up. But make no mistake, if you are like I was, if you think it is normal to use drugs like meth every day, you are in deep trouble and probably don’t even know it.