To all the girls I’ve perved before

I find this ironically funny. There’s this girl who works in the same building as me, who likes me… Whenever I take a break outside, if she is there too, I catch her looking at me. If I turn to face her directly, then she just happens to be looking in my general direction… But peripheral vision tells me that she is looking at me. If she’s close to where I’m standing and I’m talking to somebody, she half smiles (and tries not to laugh) at my unfunny jokes.

She’s not my type, but I find the situation kind of cute, and ironic. It’s made me think of all the years, all the time that I perved over women, all those times I thought I was being clever by looking away if they made eye contact. I really thought I was being discreet about it and that they didn’t notice. But in retrospect, they always notice. It’s really obvious when you are looking at somebody, and everybody knows that it’s no coincidence every time you happen to be looking in their general direction.

I’ve never regarded my perving as a bad thing… Although I fooled myself into thinking they didn’t know, I’m also aware of many times when they did know. My perving, that is simply looking at a woman I found attractive, over the years, resulted in many conversations, one relationship, one date, one one-night stand (when I was much younger) and a few friendships.

It probably also resulted in making some women uncomfortable, but usually not… It often resulted in them approaching me, which always suited me just fine because I’m shy. (OK, technically I’m not always shy. If she qualifies in my mind as irresistible, than I probably make eye contact rather than looking away if she notices me,  because the fear of making an idiot of myself is then less important than the lost opportunity. But even then I prefer not to approach, as I hate having to come up with opening lines.) It doesn’t seem to work so well anymore, now that I’m older and fatter and balder… But to all the girls I perved before, and all of them that I will perve over in future, I’m sorry. I’m not going to stop. If it works, why change it?

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