A sad search: Why doesn’t he love me when we use meth?

Something I used to do frequently on my old blog was to write posts about specific searches that hit the blog. I haven’t done that here because there haven’t been interesting ones yet. Until now.

Why doesn’t he love me when we use meth?

You’re asking the wrong question. What you should ask is “Will my relationship last if we use meth?” and the answer is a resounding and absolute “No!” It won’t. Here’s why…

Tweaking

Firstly, you do not understand how meth affects you. You might think that it gives you energy. It doesn’t. It makes you tweak. But what does that mean? While it keeps you awake, that’s not the same as having energy. You might feel alert, but the main effect is that you become abnormally fascinated, obsessed with some repetitive task or idea. (And if that task is not repetitive, you will make it repetitive.) It could be anything. I used to tweak on various tasks, including writing computer programs, or painting, or drawing, or writing, or making crumpets. Sometimes I’d tweak on hand-washing all my handkerchiefs and then ironing them dry. (That used to drive my girlfriend nuts.)  You might tweak on spring cleaning, or doing your washing, or cooking. You might even tweak on making a case for your meth pipe. You might even tweak on sex.

You need to understand that this psychological state, when you tweak, is the reason that stopping using meth, and staying stopped, is so difficult. You become addicted to the state of mind, and you can no longer function without your drug. People who have never used it tend to think that meth addicts are trying to get as high as they used to in the past… I’m sure you have heard that discussed, along with the useless information that you will never be able to get that high again so you shouldn’t “chase your last high”. Of course, while tolerance is an issue, the concept of chasing a high is irrelevant to a meth addict. Meth addiction is about maintaining that state of mind so that you can tweak, on whatever it is that you want to tweak on – you don’t care what – for as long as possible. You just want to have that feeling, which you probably think is “energy”. (And if you try to quit, all you want is to get back into that state of mind. One might expect that meth addicts would realize at this point, when they don’t have their drug but experience a normal state of mind, that what they yearn for is not “energy” at all, but a meth high. But most don’t make that connection. Most continue to think that the drug gives them energy, and this is why most addicts will never recover, will never even try.)

I remember one night years ago, we entered somebody’s house, and everybody there was on meth, all tweaking themselves stupid. The dealer sat at a table, counting money – the same money, over and over again, as if stuck in some endless loop. A girl sat at the computer with headphones on and a microphone, singing the same shit over and over again. Apparently she was a real singer. And one guy sat on a sofa, apparently tweaking on shaking his knee, which he did the entire time I was there. I thought to myself, “Is this me? Is this what people see when they enter my house?” And it was.

Tweaking is a solitary experience. Even if you use in a group, everybody goes off on their own mission. You seldom tweak on the same thing as anybody else. Thus in the case of the question being asked, the boyfriend is probably just preoccupied with something else. Or maybe someone else. Because there are other issues when you use meth.

Breaking Bad is fiction

I never watched Breaking Bad, because I can’t stand the idea of romanticizing crystal meth, or making it seem cool somehow. I have no idea how the characters in that show were portrayed, but I am sure there was nothing realistic about it. In reality, everybody involved with meth, whether they are manufacturing it, selling it or buying it, are addicts. And they all tweak just like those in the house I mentioned above. The show couldn’t be realistic because the reality is that there is nothing interesting at all about people involved with meth. All that they do most of the time is use, and tweak just like those people mentioned above (which mostly involves sitting around and doing nothing). Their lives are mundane, and if such a show were made at all realistic it would be so boring, nobody would watch to the end of even the pilot episode.

Sex on crystal meth

Sex when you use meth is great. At first. But not for long. Let’s consider what sex is supposed to be like, assuming a romantic monogamous relationship. Healthy sex is the height of your relationship. It is as intimate as you can get. It’s the ultimate sharing of not only your body, but everything with your partner, and it’s beautiful. It’s also generally about giving pleasure to your partner, not yourself. When you each focus on each other, it brings you closer together, and the benefits of this affect your relationship as a whole.

Sex on meth is quite different. You often do it because the drug makes you horny. You often do it when you have been awake for days at a time. When this happens, a couple of things change: Firstly, this sex is never about pleasuring your partner. It’s not about loving your partner. It’s about satisfying your own sexual urges and pleasuring yourself. You might not notice this straight away, but it happens. In a sense, sex on meth becomes more like mutual masturbation. Secondly, when you’ve been awake for a few days, one of the reasons that people notice something is wrong is that you detach frequently. (Detach is a euphemism in this case. You stare into space, possibly unaware of a comical or retarded expression on your face at the time. You act like a zombie, although you feel energised and alert. Speed makes you slow, not fast. Constant fidgeting does not count as being fast. You think slowly, act slowly and talk slowly… maybe non-stop, but slowly all the same.) This happens during sex as well. Not only is the sex about you, rather than your partner, but also your mind wanders off somewhere else. Eventually you or your partner might even start fantasizing about other people. So gradually, rather than sex bringing you closer together, sex on meth drives you apart.

When sex isn’t about love any more, the relationship starts breaking down. Sex is no longer about being intimate with your loved one, it’s about your own pleasure. And when you’re horny all the time, it might not matter who you have sex with. You might still love your partner, but to many people using meth, cheating doesn’t matter anymore. However, meth can also make you neurotic, paranoid, and overly suspicious of everything and everyone, including your partner, and you may suspect they are cheating, or accuse a partner who is just tweaking, the same as you are, of not loving you. (And they may well be unfaithful. Many people on drugs like meth do become promiscuous. Not all, but many.)

Conclusion

But there are other problems with using meth. I don’t believe that anyone can use this drug regularly and safely. If you think it is OK to phrase a question with “when we use meth”, you will lose more than just this one relationship. Sooner or later it won’t matter if he loves you or not. You won’t love yourself. You will hate yourself. Don’t believe me? It doesn’t matter what you believe because that’s what happens.

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About Jerome

I am a senior C# developer in Johannesburg, South Africa. I am also a recovering addict, who spent nearly eight years using methamphetamine. I write on my recovery blog about my lessons learned and sometimes give advice to others who have made similar mistakes, often from my viewpoint as an atheist, and I also write some C# programming articles on my programming blog.
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4 Responses to A sad search: Why doesn’t he love me when we use meth?

  1. Sabine Savoy says:

    I made the horrible mistake of being in a “relationship” with a meth addict. I have never read a more ACCURATE article. I devoured it. It gave me a absolution because I tried everything to make this sad spectacle of love with this meth addict work. It was like inviting a baboon to a tea party.
    Other fun facts of dating a meth addict are the burping, passing gas, strange primal grunts, dead sleeping after a binge, waking up irritated to gobble up all sweets in the house, and then going back to sleep. Awaking refreshed and rejuvenated after days of sleep in your bed, and eating all your groceries, they are ready to rock again. They will show back up, idiotically pacing the house, picking up mundane objects like they are the treasures of Atlantis, turning on lights on 3AM and disrupting the entire house. Jerome’s words leapt out about the “energy” excuse. That is what my ex boyfriend said every.single. time. “It gives me energy.” He had no insight that it took him 2 hours to take a shower, and 30 minutes to brush his teeth. Your patience wears to nothing, and you want to bash them in the head and scream. It is one of the most miserable experiences of my entire life. Dating a meth addict is almost guaranteed to usher legal, financial, sexual, and emotional pain in your life. Is it worth it so he can get high?

    Liked by 2 people

    • Jerome says:

      Yah, “energy” and it takes two hours to do something simple… Anybody thinking clearly would know that it’s not energy at all. And they just don’t get it… most of them anyway.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Sally Jones says:

    Hi, um shit I don’t know where to start?
    Ok, well I am now an almost daily ‘tweaker?’ I gather that’s the word? Because my ex fiancé introduced me to drugs about 3 years ago. He has quit and moved interstate after spending all my money, and even though he’s off the drugs (amphetamines) and employed full time, he won’t give me any money?
    Not because of what may appear as the obvious reason, but because I think? Feel? Fear? That the word ‘money’ or something else I say or do could be a trigger?
    He ended up having hundreds of psychosis episodes, as you said Jerome ‘every time he had meth’ he heard voices, he became paranoid and HIGHLY suspicious. He always thought I had men with me, he heard them clearly so insists I was lying. We had to take the batteries out of our phones and electronic devices. Had to cover up the tvs and anything with a camera in it. Someone was out to get him, or me, or his parents … The list goes on and on. And every now and then he would snap and tell me I had provoked it? If I wasn’t cheating on him or lying to him, then I was evil and I wanted to harm him. He’d force me to stop the car, he’d get out and he’d walk????
    Initially I had no idea this was caused by the drugs. Other than the people he introduced me too, I didn’t know anyone who did drugs or knew anything about them. What I do have though is a mild understanding of psychology and a stubborn streak to always want to know WHY????
    So when he disappeared inside his head, or literally just walked off, I would search the Internet for answers!
    It took me 6-8 months to find anything substantial or close to the criteria of his behavioral patterns. One thing I did notice was what I termed GroundHog day, from that Bill Murray movie, because without fail, though not word perfect, he would say the same things every time!!!
    However, myself being as sharp as a bowling ball (sarcasm) and emotionally drained and on edge, I didn’t recognize this at first and I reacted defensively or hysterically because I was so over being accused of stuff I WAS NOT DOING!!
    Sadly, by the time I learnt what was happening I was obviously too late.
    Now, he has been off the drugs (???) for 6-8 months with an occasional slip up, moved away but was still very much in love with me (until I was with him, because every time except once that I’ve been to stay with him he has changed from good to evil and done the whole Ground Hog day ritual and inevitably told me to F off out of his life and never come back…until a few days later when he says he doesn’t understand why I keep leaving?? ), loved me, hated me, missed me, hated me, needed me, hated me etc etc etc until two weeks ago when I got angry at him for not giving me any money, he went ‘strange’ again and I ended it!
    Now he has blocked me and I’m shattered but know it’s probably for the best 😢. I’m trying to be far stronger than I truly feel. I’m lost, heart broken, confused, not to mention broke, lol.
    Oh and I almost forgot, I started this 20 page dialogue about myself didn’t I? Oops.
    Yeah, well I begged him not to touch that ice stuff when I started doing speed with him, and he swore to me it wasn’t, but after a few months of me saying ‘oh dear I must be really addicted to this now because it puts me to sleep?’ And if noticed repetitive behaviours about myself, even stuff I didn’t enjoy doing I couldn’t bring myself to stop? I used to say to him ‘if I say ‘help me stop this’ it means I can’t stop myself!
    You helped explain something Jerome that no one else has been able to do, and that’s the ‘high’ feeling. I have on occasion felt an alertness maybe or a tingling sensation but not often, so I never thought I was having what everyone else was calling a high. And they laughed at me when I said it helps me sleep, I seriously can not stay awake for more than 24 hours tops. I get hay fever type symptoms from cocaine and I’m too scared to try anything else. Speed gives me more of a kick that anything else but I don’t like the feeling of my body having like electric shocks or like its buzzing. It’s not my head that feels this, it’s my body and it’s unnerving and uncomfortable to me.
    But, I still crave the drugs??? Why? I know the ice doesn’t give me energy but what it does do is it takes the edge off the pain in my heart, so though I still cry and hurt the intensity of it is dulled down when I smoke some ice and it helps me sleep.
    Speaking of which, I started writing this a little too late in the evening, it’s nearly 1am so I’m going to bed.
    I can’t believe I’ve actually written all this? I haven’t told another living soul what I’ve just admitted to?!?!?
    Sorry, it’s probably verging on incomprehensible, and I’d have liked to ask you if you’re aware of which area of the brain this psychosis stems from?
    Maybe later? Gotta go to sleep 👍😴
    I hope I hear back from you, because I have soooo many unanswered questions I’m hoping you can help me with.
    Thank you for taking the time to read this; I suck at ‘keeping things brief and to the point’ 🙊
    Cheers, Sally

    Liked by 2 people

    • Jerome says:

      Hi Sally. It’s difficult to know what to say. What’s happening to you isn’t fair. It sounds like he got you into this, then the relationship broke apart and you don’t have each other anymore – and anyway he isn’t the guy he used to be because it has messed him up so much… but you still want the drug.

      Getting out of that is difficult, but at least if you understand what it’s doing to you, it’s a start. It’s a step in the right direction.

      Liked by 1 person

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