Something I used to do frequently on my old blog was to write posts about specific searches that hit the blog. I haven’t done that here because there haven’t been interesting ones yet. Until now.
Why doesn’t he love me when we use meth?
You’re asking the wrong question. What you should ask is “Will my relationship last if we use meth?” and the answer is a resounding and absolute “No!” It won’t. Here’s why…
Firstly, you do not understand how meth affects you. You might think that it gives you energy. It doesn’t. It makes you tweak. But what does that mean? While it keeps you awake, that’s not the same as having energy. You might feel alert, but the main effect is that you become abnormally fascinated, obsessed with some repetitive task or idea. (And if that task is not repetitive, you will make it repetitive.) It could be anything. I used to tweak on various tasks, including writing computer programs, or painting, or drawing, or writing, or making crumpets. Sometimes I’d tweak on hand-washing all my handkerchiefs and then ironing them dry. (That used to drive my girlfriend nuts.) You might tweak on spring cleaning, or doing your washing, or cooking. You might even tweak on making a case for your meth pipe. You might even tweak on sex.
You need to understand that this psychological state, when you tweak, is the reason that stopping using meth, and staying stopped, is so difficult. You become addicted to the state of mind, and you can no longer function without your drug. People who have never used it tend to think that meth addicts are trying to get as high as they used to in the past… I’m sure you have heard that discussed, along with the useless information that you will never be able to get that high again so you shouldn’t “chase your last high”. Of course, while tolerance is an issue, the concept of chasing a high is irrelevant to a meth addict. Meth addiction is about maintaining that state of mind so that you can tweak, on whatever it is that you want to tweak on – you don’t care what – for as long as possible. You just want to have that feeling, which you probably think is “energy”. (And if you try to quit, all you want is to get back into that state of mind. One might expect that meth addicts would realize at this point, when they don’t have their drug but experience a normal state of mind, that what they yearn for is not “energy” at all, but a meth high. But most don’t make that connection. Most continue to think that the drug gives them energy, and this is why most addicts will never recover, will never even try.)
I remember one night years ago, we entered somebody’s house, and everybody there was on meth, all tweaking themselves stupid. The dealer sat at a table, counting money – the same money, over and over again, as if stuck in some endless loop. A girl sat at the computer with headphones on and a microphone, singing the same shit over and over again. Apparently she was a real singer. And one guy sat on a sofa, apparently tweaking on shaking his knee, which he did the entire time I was there. I thought to myself, “Is this me? Is this what people see when they enter my house?” And it was.
Tweaking is a solitary experience. Even if you use in a group, everybody goes off on their own mission. You seldom tweak on the same thing as anybody else. Thus in the case of the question being asked, the boyfriend is probably just preoccupied with something else. Or maybe someone else. Because there are other issues when you use meth.
Breaking Bad is fiction
I never watched Breaking Bad, because I can’t stand the idea of romanticizing crystal meth, or making it seem cool somehow. I have no idea how the characters in that show were portrayed, but I am sure there was nothing realistic about it. In reality, everybody involved with meth, whether they are manufacturing it, selling it or buying it, are addicts. And they all tweak just like those in the house I mentioned above. The show couldn’t be realistic because the reality is that there is nothing interesting at all about people involved with meth. All that they do most of the time is use, and tweak just like those people mentioned above (which mostly involves sitting around and doing nothing). Their lives are mundane, and if such a show were made at all realistic it would be so boring, nobody would watch to the end of even the pilot episode.
Sex on crystal meth
Sex when you use meth is great. At first. But not for long. Let’s consider what sex is supposed to be like, assuming a romantic monogamous relationship. Healthy sex is the height of your relationship. It is as intimate as you can get. It’s the ultimate sharing of not only your body, but everything with your partner, and it’s beautiful. It’s also generally about giving pleasure to your partner, not yourself. When you each focus on each other, it brings you closer together, and the benefits of this affect your relationship as a whole.
Sex on meth is quite different. You often do it because the drug makes you horny. You often do it when you have been awake for days at a time. When this happens, a couple of things change: Firstly, this sex is never about pleasuring your partner. It’s not about loving your partner. It’s about satisfying your own sexual urges and pleasuring yourself. You might not notice this straight away, but it happens. In a sense, sex on meth becomes more like mutual masturbation. Secondly, when you’ve been awake for a few days, one of the reasons that people notice something is wrong is that you detach frequently. (Detach is a euphemism in this case. You stare into space, possibly unaware of a comical or retarded expression on your face at the time. You act like a zombie, although you feel energised and alert. Speed makes you slow, not fast. Constant fidgeting does not count as being fast. You think slowly, act slowly and talk slowly… maybe non-stop, but slowly all the same.) This happens during sex as well. Not only is the sex about you, rather than your partner, but also your mind wanders off somewhere else. Eventually you or your partner might even start fantasizing about other people. So gradually, rather than sex bringing you closer together, sex on meth drives you apart.
When sex isn’t about love any more, the relationship starts breaking down. Sex is no longer about being intimate with your loved one, it’s about your own pleasure. And when you’re horny all the time, it might not matter who you have sex with. You might still love your partner, but to many people using meth, cheating doesn’t matter anymore. However, meth can also make you neurotic, paranoid, and overly suspicious of everything and everyone, including your partner, and you may suspect they are cheating, or accuse a partner who is just tweaking, the same as you are, of not loving you. (And they may well be unfaithful. Many people on drugs like meth do become promiscuous. Not all, but many.)
But there are other problems with using meth. I don’t believe that anyone can use this drug regularly and safely. If you think it is OK to phrase a question with “when we use meth”, you will lose more than just this one relationship. Sooner or later it won’t matter if he loves you or not. You won’t love yourself. You will hate yourself. Don’t believe me? It doesn’t matter what you believe because that’s what happens.