I am still sad

Time makes it easier and most of the time I no longer feel overwhelmed with such sadness that I can not function, but it is never far from my thoughts.

To recap, my ex left about a month and a half ago for a holiday, then one evening called me to ask if she could collect her things. That is, it was all a lie and she never intended coming back, and she has taken with her, her daughter who I brought up for most of the last two years.

It is difficult because my son is not with me most of the time and my life had come to revolve around that little girl who I love as much as my son. I can’t drive to work or home from work without thinking of her, without thinking of the games we played as I drove her to or from crèche each day. It started as my innocently pointing out a bus to her one morning, and became a game of spotting the busses and trucks that she played every time in the car. I can’t go to the shopping mall without remembering the games we played there. She would run around in the aisles and I’d surprise her by going the other way and meeting her in each aisle. Then she’d run all the way to the children’s’ rides, which she could find from anywhere in the mall. I can’t get home from work without thinking about all those times I played with her in the evenings.

Her mother is too stupid to know just how selfish and narcissistic she is, and does not realize that what she is doing is in the best interests of neither of her children. I did not intend to become so attached to her little girl, but it happened, and this isn’t a one-sided love either. I miss my beautiful little girl and I’m sure she misses me too but is too young to express it. And she will probably forget our times together, but I never will.

It’s not all bad. I will see them again. Next weekend, my ex wants to visit when our son is with me, and we can go out together. But it won’t be the same.

So most of the time I don’t feel utterly lost anymore, but it does come back when I least expect it.

The other day I received some unexpected inspiration. I have a new Facebook friend who I met via one of the atheist groups I belong to. Her little girl was very ill and passed away shortly after her first birthday. My friend takes it so well, describing the joy and happiness that her little girl brought her. She even posted a video on her Facebook timeline showing her beautiful little girl as she blew on her face. I don’t know how you can cope, dear friend, and admire you for it. I couldn’t even watch your video, and have taken over ten minutes to write this paragraph because I have to stop every time I break down in tears. But I admire your strength, especially because it is something I do not have, and hope that your life can have other happiness in future.

I do not know why I am so oversensitive about all of this. After all, the girl I miss is still alive; she is just not here. But it’s just the way I am and I can never change that. It would be easier to be a clichéd male who isn’t sensitive about these things. I’ve had to hide my sensitivity for so many years – I’m the guy who doesn’t watch sad movies because I cry like a girl if I watch them.

Also, I have gained a greater understanding of what it is to be attached to a child, even if that child is not your own, and have come to appreciate the effort of my son’s foster parents as I never could before. I can also assure them that even when he is back with me, they will always be a huge part of his life and never need to worry about it being otherwise. But still, I miss my little girl, and wish I could have done something different to change what has happened. And I wish that my ex wasn’t such a fucking idiot.

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