Temptation waits; memories haunt me and bring me down

Temptation really does wait, and when its opportunity arises, it beckons.

I’m alone. My partner and daughter are still in Cape Town; it’s my son’s birthday party tomorrow – and I’m not even invited. Every night I dream of my son and (step) daughter, as though they’re here. But they’re not.

Right now my mother is doing the shopping. I dropped her off, then had breakfast in a restaurant in the shopping mall. (I’ve just arrived home, then switched on the PC to write this.) Last month I did the same, except my sweet little girl was waiting at home for me. It’s not like they’re gone forever, but it feels that way. I feel lonely. Alone. Left to my own devices. And it brings back haunting memories. I feel melancholy that I shouldn’t be feeling.

Despite all I’ve said; despite all I’ve written, that longing to return to my old ways returns with a vengeance every time I find myself in this position. Every fucking time. A couple of years ago, I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this. This is the time I would be using. Right fucking now. This is it, my gap. I would take this opportunity, while I have a few hours to myself, to use.

Of course that’s not going to happen. I’d be waiting somewhere for the dealer, right now. I would not be sitting here and admitting this terrible temptation. In three days I will be twenty months clean, and I will not throw that away, not for anything. Yet it isn’t easy. This last month has, to my surprise, been the most difficult part of my recovery thus far.

So to all the others who live with this temptation, haunted by your memories and the yearning, the longing to go back just one last time… I know how difficult it is to stay clean and sober. But if I can do it, you can. Don’t give in – I know I won’t.

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About Jerome

I am a senior C# developer in Johannesburg, South Africa. I am also a recovering addict, who spent nearly eight years using methamphetamine. I write on my recovery blog about my lessons learned and sometimes give advice to others who have made similar mistakes, often from my viewpoint as an atheist, and I also write some C# programming articles on my programming blog.
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